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Nobody puts Baby in a remake!!!

August 9, 2011 3 comments

Can you believe this crap?

Lionsgate announces  ‘Dirty Dancing’ remake

LOS ANGELES (AP) — “Dirty Dancing” is coming back to the big screen.

Lionsgate says it is remaking the 1987 film that starred Jennifer Grey as a naïve dance student and Patrick Swayze as her teacher and lover.

The studio said Monday that Kenny Ortega, who choreographed the original film, will direct the remake.

Ortega says he is eager to discover and cast “the next breakout triple-threats” to define dancing for a generation, the way Swayze did in the original “Dirty Dancing.”

I thought it was bad when the announcement was made for the horrifying remake of “Footloose” (click here to see the trailer for this inevitable train wreck), but now…now they are going after the holy grail of the late 80’s and dammit!  You have got to be freaking kidding me!!!

I know, I know, the original was far from perfect…but it had a cheeseytasticness about it that you can’t (and shouldn’t) try to replicate or redo…someone could lose an eye or something!

And I don’t really care if Kenny Oretga is choreographing it (though that is probably the single redeeming factor in the entire atrocious idea), no one, NO ONE can be “the new Patrick Swayze” and they will NEVER, EVER replace Jennifer Grey’s nose! (You know you were thinkin’ it, it’s alright…look, I’ve got before and afters:

You can’t “fix” cute. There’s nothing to fix after all. She is still cute…just different. Oh well.)

Anyway…all this to say the following:

Dear Movie Studios,

Are you really so out of ideas that you have to regurgitate story lines from a mere 2 decades ago? Is creativity completely dead or something? Seriously! GO MAKE NEW MOVIES and STOP STEALING the movies from my youth!!!

Good gravy, what’s next?!  You gonna remake “The Goonies” too?

Sincerely,

*face/palm*

“Sucker Punch” = truth in advertising

March 28, 2011 Leave a comment

Sucker PunchPositives: visually stunning, excellent stunt work, some decent performances.

Negatives: massively disappointing storyline. No, the plot’s not confusing, it’s just pointless. We start in one reality, slip into a prison/whore house reality, then go into a warzone reality at various times (when “Baby Doll” dances). Not quite “Inception”…but reminiscent of it.

What I thought it was about: a young girl who is unjustly locked away by her evil stepfather and how she and her fellow inmates escape using an actual alternate reality and how they also deliver a serious smack-down on the evil step-father and the system that aided him.

What it is actually about: a young girl who is locked away for attempted murder on her evil stepfather (who killed her mother for the insurance money and tries to molest her and her sister), and the accidental shooting of her sister (whom she was actually trying to protect from the evil step-father when he wasn’t able to rape her and turned to the younger sister instead). She is thrust into an asylum where she is some kind of mesmerizing super-sexy dancer that stops men in their tracks and enables the girls to get a series of items that will help them escape (map, fire, knife, and a couple of others things I don’t care enough to remember).

The action/fight sequences occur when “Baby Doll” dances. She goes into a dance/trance of sorts (her way of dealing with the asylum reality) and we see the “battle” that occurs. Oh, and true to Zack Snyder form, everything (EVERYTHING) is done in sllllloooooowwwwww motion. Everything. Which really worked well in “300” and “Watchmen”. However, in this POS? It managed only to make the movie feel 8 million times longer than I had patience for. Just find the 5th piece already so I can get out of here!!! And yes, I almost did get up and walk out…but like any good train wreck, sometimes you just can’t look away. I kept hoping it would suddenly get better! But it never did.

The apparent target demographic is 17 year old boys with Sailor Moon fantasies. It looked promising in the trailers I saw, but it was basically Victoria’s Secret Joins The Military. The plot had about as much depth as a toothpaste cap.

I know it would have been worse had I actually spent money on it. Thankfully, I didn’t. Sucker punch indeed. I’m still doubled over from it.

Updated to add a link to some really thought provoking ideas:  Vigilant Citizen|”Sucker Punch ” or How to make a Monarch Mind Control sexy.

Categories: Movies

Yep. Vampires DO suck!

July 8, 2010 1 comment

Hang on until the last 10 seconds…TOTALLY worth it! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! (and yes, this is an actual movie)

P.S.  Yes, I completely get the irony between this post and my last one.  :P

Categories: Hilarity, Movies

When I say “Bella”…

July 8, 2010 Leave a comment

…you probably think I’m talking about “Twilight”, right?

*gag*

The “Bella” I’m talking about in this post is actually a jewel of an independent film that slipped through the cinema cracks of 2006.  I recognized exactly no one in the entire cast and was likewise completely oblivious of the director (Alejandro Gomez Monteverde) and any of his previous projects.

The story itself is very simple, a one day snapshot in the lives of two people: “He is a an international soccer star is on his way to sign a multi-million dollar contract when a series of events unfold that bring his career to an abrupt end. She is a beautiful waitress, struggling to make it in New York City, discovers something about herself that she’s unprepared for. In one irreversible moment, their lives are turned upside down… until a simple gesture of kindness brings them both together, turning an ordinary day to an unforgettable experience.”

A tad confusing with flash back scenes colliding with the current timeline of the movie, but any “Lostie” will easily get over that, lol! The real payoff, if you’ve paid attention to the entire story (and sub stories) is the last five minutes or so of the movie.

A word of caution:  This is a film for lovers of real cinema. If you’re a fan of likes of “Big Momma’s House” and “Dumb and Dumber”, this film probably isn’t for you.

New “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” trailer!

June 29, 2010 1 comment

Holy Hannah!

Hilarious (and true!) article:  5 Reasons We love Harry Potter More Than Twilight

Some “then & now” pics:

Oh how the years go by…

Categories: Movies Tags: ,

Now THIS is the way to do a remake!

March 5, 2010 Leave a comment

You might recall my horror at the news of the “Footloose” remake I posted about last year (and believe me, I’m still horrified at the thought)…and on the whole, MOST remakes are a very bad idea because they take an untouchable original and try to “improve” it. ROFLMAO!!!!  It is almost impossible to improve upon cheesy perfection.  Period.  All that will happen is all that cheese will be multiplied into an ooey, gooey, undefinable mess that will do nothing less than melt all over the place and stick to bottom of everyone’s shoes.  Nasty.

UNLESS… Read more…

More News about “Machine Gun Preacher”…

March 5, 2010 Leave a comment

“You know, I think everybody wants to go to Sudan but, is it going to help the children? Or is it going to satisfy that person?  You know, a lot of people in America, we’re after self-satisfaction.  So, we will spend thousands and thousands of dollars for self-satisfaction but we didn’t rescue anyone. If it cost you $5,000 to go to Sudan, if it would, you’ve done nothing  besides went there for self-satisfaction. If you gave me $5,000, I could rescue 20 kids.  So, you know, what’s more valuable? You know, it’s all about rescuing kids.”

Become a Guardian Angel:  Help us rescue more children from terrorism with a financial contribution. Read more…